This is another one of those good new/bad news situations. The good news is that there a multiple options available. The bad news is that they rarely work. It’s really tough to overcome situations where nonsensical posturing dominates one’s actions.

But the good news options are worthy of review and implementation. Each situation is unique and we’re often surprised at what might work.

When you have that unreasonable (nonsense) party to negotiate with:

1. Avoid showing frustration or becoming confrontational. It’s our natural reaction, but it only makes things worse. Keep your cool. Over reacting only reinforces your opponent’s position.

2. Show empathy and even muster understanding. Phrases like, “I can see how you’d feel that way.” or “It’s natural that you’d have that concern.” Maybe they just want their position recognized and their fears responded to without confrontation judgment. This will better position you to inject alternative positions and information with credibility.

3. Call on a third party! While sometimes this party is difficult to identify and involve, it is by far the most effective technique. Having someone else play a listening and counseling role can be significant to counter nonsense positioning. You might want to converse with this third party privately (without the unreasonable party) and later let the third party talk privately (with you) to the unreasonable party.

If all else fails, walk out. Break off negotiations and try to pick it up at a different time, at a different place with other involved. It’s one of the toughest negotiating situations and they are not always winable.

Who hasn’t heard the saying, “Flattery will get you everywhere”? It’s likely your negotiating opponent is NOT expecting flattery when the negotiating gets intense. Conveying a compliment or some flattering statement is so unexpected that it has proven to be effective.

Now to be sure, we’re not suggesting you compliment their attire or hair style. Instead the compliment has to deal with the bargaining process underway. It is even more effective when it includes a ‘hint of surrender’ (humility). Think about it, a ‘surrender style compliment’ just has to influence someone and cause them to soften their tactics and temper their hostility toward you.

So what can be said to make this all possible? Consider these suggestions.

1. “Wow, you’re a great negotiator. I can see that I’m overmatched here.”

2. “Hey, go easy on me. This type of bargaining is all new to me. You’re the obvious expert here.”

3. “Forgive me for appearing defensive. You need to know that you really intimidate me. I suspect that isn’t your intent, but it is how I feel. You just have more skill, more knowledge and more experience in bargaining situations like this.”

4. “Can we strike a different tone for a moment? Please know that all I want is a deal that would be a win for us both. You obviously have more experience in such matters. How can we make this a good deal for each of us?”

Many people feel that admitting a vulnerability is an unnecessary show of weakness. On the contrary, admitting a vulnerability is a sign of strength, it builds trust and changes the dynamics. The objective is to get a good deal. It is not to win the battle of words and posture.

Good negotiators have that special knack of disarming their opponent by adopting a humble position in order to achieve that win-win result. KEEP Negotiating.

The Alternate of Choice: It never fails, the ball game seems comes on the TV just as the holiday meal is (finally) ready. You can’t do both, but employing the negotiator’s edge by asking an alternative of choice question could keep everyone happy. Early on (and while complimenting the cooks in the kitchen) simply ask, “Hey, the game is on at 4:00, do we want to eat before – say 3 o’clock or should we wait until after the game – say 6:30?” Either choice has the opportunity to keep everyone happy. Good negotiators can even slant the choices toward their preference. It would sound like this, “Hey, the game is on at 4:00. Do we want to eat before – say 3 o’clock or should we wait until after the game – say 6:30? If we can wait until after the game, I’ll recruit the guys to do the dishes?”

The Preemptive Bracket: Every family seems to have at least one member with multiple ailments or a myriad of concerns. That is sad enough, but the worst thing is that each of these ailment and concerns must be fully and extensively detailed upon being asked the routine (rhetorical) question, “How are you?”. Good negotiators anticipate such situations, after all they happen every get together. They offer a verbal preemptive bracketing message that sounds like, “Good to see you. I hear you’re having trouble with _______. Let’s make time to sit down after _____ so I can hear all about it. I know _(another relative)__ will want to be in on that conversation too. Can we all plan a time to all get together?” The result is the complainer knows they’ll get a full hearing but they also know it has to wait until the designated audience is fully assembled. Sometimes that just doesn’t happen.

The Outcast Among Us: Most families have one member who just isn’t embraced or fully integrated into the clan. The reasons for this can be many. It could be jealousy, it could be hard feelings stemming from an earlier occurrence or it could be that someone isn’t offering the family support others think they should. Whatever the reason, good negotiators practice their skills by soothing feelings and spreading good will at the right time. Think of those situations where everyone is assembled and everyone’s attention is on a central figure. I could be just before a mealtime prayer or when someone is singled out for an announcement or acclaim before the entire clan. It is at this moment the good negotiator mentions and praises both the outcast and the one or ones most hostile toward the outcast in front of the family. Praise and recognition forces parties to live up to their billing.

Other Family Strategies

1. Don’t forget to ‘flinch’ any negative comments that you might hear from or about others.

2. Control expectations by sharing that this is a good time to dispense with negative comments and “enjoy the blessings and diversity” that we have within the family.

3. Use tie-down questions. Example: “You don’t want to be taking that outside in this weather, do you?”

4. Trade-Off “If we all agree to do the dishes, I’ll bet we could convince the girls to delay dinner until after the game. What do you think?”

Negotiating skills apply anywhere there are human interactions. Aren’t family gatherings fertile ground for some amazing interactions?

Good negotiators are the low key stars that just can’t turn off their negotiating capabilities. They use those skills to enhance family gatherings, maximizing the good times and minimizing the rough spots.

KEEP Negotiating.

If I were to ask you to share two or three ways you could say “No” to an offer or a proposal, could you do it? More importantly, would those you could name come across in a professional and cordial manner? If not, permit me to share a few ways to accomplish this task.

1. “I’m afraid that’s unacceptable” The ‘unacceptable’ word choice is a great one. It’s firm. It demands a better proposal. It doesn’t comment on the motives behind that unacceptable proposal. It conveys a firm rejection, politely. Adding the softening introduction, specifically “I’m afraid..”, further conveys your concern that a verbalized rejection might be taken as an offensive remark.
Good negotiators can also communicate their concern when using this phrase by giving a flinch, typically a pained look or grimace. With our without the flinch, this is a great way to say “No”.

2. “I can’t see how that could work for me.” As in a tennis match, this phrase puts the ‘ball back in their court’. It softly, yet firmly communicates a “No”, but does so by presenting a problem. The problem is that we can’t see a way that the current proposal, price or position can work (or be accepted). The beauty of this “No” response is that it almost forces one’s opponent to help justify why we should accept the proposal, list the benefits to us of accepting it. If they can’t justify it for us a concession on their part is more likely.

3. “Is that the best you can do?” Saying “No” by using these seven magic words is simply applying the crunch technique. It’s another ‘ball in your court’ technique, but this time demanding a concession from your opponent. If you’re noticing that we’re trying to avoid the actual word “No”, you are correct. It’s a potentially harsh word when used improperly in a negotiation.
Consider this, almost any reply that does not include a “Yes” or “I agree” can be construed as a “No”.

4. “No way.” You may have noticed that this reply is more direct, more assertive and more confrontational. Aren’t there times with certain opponents where they are slow to pick up on the message? If you are in such as situation, being abrupt might be in order. These two words, “No way” are rarely misunderstood by one’s opponent. It conveys that you’ve reached your limit or downside position and a concession from your opponent is the only thing that will keep negotiations moving forward. There is nothing wrong with softening this effective reply by adding a few works in advance of the “No way”. For example, “I hope you can appreciate that there is no way I could accept that price (proposal, position)”. Trust me, the “No way” will resonate out of that longer reply and achieve the desired result.

So again I ask, how many ways can you say “No”? I am certain that there are others beyond the few included here. Find two or three that work for you and match the situations where they are needed.
Want some great practice? Try these “Say No” techniques at home, on your family, especially your kids. You’ll be surprised how they can become game changers and level the negotiating playing field.

Remember, good negotiators are adept at saying “No” and they even have multiple ways of saying it.